Aces Wild
by The Ace of Authors
Summary: Being a stripper isn't all it's cracked up to be. For Piccolo, it's not all glam g strings and bangin' body oil. It's stressful work, erotic dancing!
1. The Pole That Started It All

Ok,consider yourselves warned: The following is a sexually depicting piece of fiction, made only for my (and several other people's) amusement. Don't get sore because the characters aren't exactly in character. That's what makes it funny. Depending how far I'm willing to test my own pervertedness (not sure if that word exists), the rating may change. Until then, sit back and enjoy, kids. We'll have ourselves a good, exotic dancerly time! I don't own Dbz.

-

'_The lights are too dim,'_ The woman noted as her friends brought her a Sex on the Beach. '_How the hell are we supposed to see who we're even talking to when it's so damn dark?'_ Kim Smith was an ordinary woman. She had an ordinary job, and had an ordinary life. What she lacked was an ordinary boyfriend. She was a sophisticated woman of twenty-five; though her friendsoften said she was well into her forties. That isn't to say she was unattractive; far from it. She had beautiful long auburn hair (though it was usually pulled into a tight bun), and lovely full rosy lips (that were usually pulled as tight asher hair), not to mention stunning green eyes (normally hidden behind serious steel-rimmed glasses). She worked out in her fitness club three times a week, and her figure showed it. It was a wonder why she didn't have a man. That is, until one got to know her.

She was over-zealous at work, and stayed past ten more times than she could count. She had lately turned down offers from her friends to hang out and get a drink. That was why she was so surprised they remembered her birthday, and even MORE surprised they decided to throw her a party. She hadn't been enjoying herself too much so far. The alcohol hadn't been strong enough, and the atmosphere too dull, even for her. Now some schmuck had messed with the lights, turning them down too low for her to see the grinning faces of her giggling friends. What was so funny, she couldn't grasp, but…

"What the hell is that noise?" She asked suddenly, taking off her glasses. "It's getting loud, someone turn it off." The noise turned out to be a loud pumping techno, to which Kim grimaced. "Ugh, come on girls… can't we just relax a little-"

She stopped before her mouth uttered the next words, for before her stood a stern looking cop. His muscular arms were crossed in front of his chest, and he looked very displeased with the commotion around him. His uniform seemed to practically burst at the seams as he put a whistle in his mouth and blew three times. By now, Kim was very much afraid. Her eyes travelled from his broad torso to his nightstick, which had remained sheathed. His voice practically boomed as he stood in front of the birthday girl, scowling.

"Ma'am, are you aware of how loud your music was playing?" Kim felt fear strike her as she shook her head, mouth open slightly._ 'Why me?'_

"Officer, I-"

"And how much of a fine that will be, for disturbing the peace?" Kim shook her head again, eyes wide.

"Really, I don't want trouble,my friendsjust-"

"Wait, trouble? She says she doesn't want trouble, Vegeta!" The man grinned at his newly arrived partner. A smaller (but seemingly built) man smirked and shook his head.

"Well she picked the wrong night to have a party, didn't she Piccolo?" The man called Vegeta shook his head and walked over to his larger partner. "What should we do, eh? Let her off with a warning?"

"Not a chance." Kim's words dried in her throat as the music started pumping again, this time excessively loud. Her hand almost flew to her mouth as she looked to the two 'officers'. Piccolo had begun to grin again while nodding his head to the music, all while unbuttoning his shirt in time with the beat. Vegeta had thrown off his hat and was loosening his belt, a sinister look on his face.

Kim stumbled backwards amid her cheering friends. One grabbed her arm and yelled above the music. "You didn't think we'd let you do something lame for your big 25th, did ya?" Kim didn't have time to reply, for a hand had grabbed her and pulled her into the centre of attention. That's right- exactly into the middle of the now shirtless 'cops'. The larger one grinned and winked at her, reaching for his 'night stick'. Kim realized that it was merely a prop, and giggled when the man pretended to act disappointed, shaking his head and steadily hitting the stick against his palm.

"Ma'am, I'm not sure if you know it's a crime to have such practices at your home. I'm going to have to ask you to step to the wall, and keep your hands where I can see them." His voice seemed oddly low, despite the thumping music, though Kim could hear him fine. His words sounded sultry in her ears, which she blamed on the alcohol. As she looked to her friends, she noticed them snickering in her direction. '_They probably didn't think I could handle this. Well, I'll show them.'_ Kim grabbed the hat from the tall man's head and spun it on her finger, smiling saucily. "Officer, do your worst."

-

"Jesus, man. That was… Jesus." Piccolo looked over to his 'partner', who was currently smoking a cigarette and cooling down. Vegeta looked as out of breath as Piccolo felt. Things had gotten a little crazy at that woman's party. The duo had ended up staying two hours past schedule, due to popular demand. Piccolo grinned and ran a hand over his smooth head. Sometimes it was the quiet ones that got really feisty.

"You can say that again. Man, did you see how scared that chick was at first? She thought we were really going to arrest her or something."

"She sure as hell wasn't scared later. Damn." Piccolo took the cigarette away from Vegeta and shook his head. "I thought you quit." He took a quick drag from it and put it out in the ashtray on the table, letting the smoke curl out of his mouth a moment later.

"So did I." Vegeta laughed and pointed to Piccolo. "And so did you, once upon a time."

Piccolo shrugged and smiled. "I DID quit. Just on nights like these… I'm beat, you know?" Both men were sitting in their casual clothes at the reclining room of their company. They had both come back completely spent, sweating and panting for air. After a quick shower, Vegeta was still riding high, while Piccolo had managed to calm himself.

Usually theirs nights were pretty regular. Come, put on a show, get the hostess a little drunk, and then leave again. Tonight, she had wanted to talk. Piccolo personally hated the talkers. The alcohol loosened tongues, but when the tongues were used for speaking…it usually just ended up being annoying. Vegeta felt the same way he did.

Piccolo sighed and got up, sticking his hand out. Vegeta gave him the keys to his car and stood up too, stretching slightly. It was a ritual. One would drink with the guests, the other would pretend to, for the sake of having a driver later. They switched every other time. Last time Piccolo had been so hammered that Vegeta had to practically pry him away from the guests to go clock back in. It had been a fun night, with horny women, lots of booze, and no talkers. Vegeta was a bit sore that he himself had to drive that night, to which Piccolo merely grinned and said, 'Luck of the draw.'

Piccolo tossed his jacket on and waited for Vegeta to struggle to do the same. His coordination was always a bit off after drinking. After a few moments he came to the door, grin plastered in place. "The girl was hot, though."

"Yeah she was." Piccolo grinned, remembering how the woman had practically ripped off her own clothes when he had performed the standard 'up against the wall' act. The woman had later confided in Piccolo that she normally didn't act like she had. She explained that her friends thought she didn't know how to have a good time. 'Proved them wrong, didn't I?' She had giggled as she sipped her third shot in a row, shirt almost completely unbuttoned. Piccolo merely grinned at the memory, shaking his head.

"I bet you anything she would have slept with one of us, she was so drunk."

"Please. She was about five inches taller than you." Piccolo loved teasing Vegeta about his size, because it pissed him off so much.

"Oh yeah? Well… you, you just wait! Yeah, one of these days, I'm going to bag me one…"

"Are you talking about one with or without AIDS? Just curious." Piccolo smirked, getting a weary scowl from Vegeta.

"Please. You are just jealous because Tina wanted to screw me, not you." Tina 'Big Tits' Thomas was a constant discussion of various strippers at 'Aces Wild', the 'strip headquarters' so to speak. Tina was one of the more 'generous' of the strippers, and was renowned for doing a lot of unpaid services. Vegeta and Piccolo constantly debated about Tina. Tonight's topic was nothing new.

"Tina is such a dude. Look, man. Fake tits, almost as tall as me, deep voice…" Piccolo pushed the elevator door button and waited for Vegeta's reply as the lift travelled to their floor.

"Shut up! Lots of chicks get their tits done. And she just has an athletic build…"

"And her voice?" Piccolo loved playing this game of 'spot the transvestite.' The elevator made a soft 'ding' sound as the silver steel door slid open, allowing the men into the plush lift.

"Many people think it's sultry and erotic!" Vegeta almost yelled, making Piccolo chuckle more. The light of the elevator floor was almost to one when Piccolo finally spoke again.

"Whatever. I overlooked one key fact that PROVES Tina is a dude."

"Oh yeah, what's that?" Vegeta practically stumbled of the doors as Piccolo gave him a light shove.

"She let you into her pants, didn't she?" Piccolo let out a playful yelp as Vegeta threw his shoe at him, missing by a mile. "Hey, no hitting the driver."

-

Piccolo sat down with a sigh of relief in his favourite chair and took a sip of his water. The night had been a long one, and he had done his job well. He needed no words of encouragement; cheers were enough. Not to mention the fat tips the satisfied customers gave him. Still, working regular nights (instead of special events only) was what Piccolo did with most of his working hours. The house would fill up completely with celebrating women, all looking to have a good time. He knew that one day it would get old. The certain thrill would be gone, as would his youth…

Piccolo smiled and put his feet up on the nearby ottoman and closed his eyes. That was quite some time to think. He was barely breaking twenty-two. He was taking a college course during the day to become what he really wanted to be.

-

I hope everyone enjoyed it. I'll do better about spell-checking next time. Sorry about those few obvious little mistakes. I just wanted to get the chapter up, so I rushed. I promise to do better, scout's honor! Too bad I'm not a scout...

-Ace


	2. Seedy Fags and Firemen

Warning: This contains extreme sexual humor and greased up Dbz characters (which I do not own). If you don't have a sense of humor, don't read. I KNOW they wouldn't do this in the show, so that's what makes it funny. This idea sprouted in my forum, and I decided to run with it. And run I will.

Btw, Roguefury gets the credit for the 'I'm simulating sex' line…Classic, all the way.

-

"Whacha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? Ima get get get get you drunk, get you punch drunk off mah-"

"What the hell are you doing?"

Vegeta turned around quickly to face the large green man who had just walked in and flushed slightly.

"I'm busy simulating sex, Greenbean. Go away." He barked at Piccolo, who had happened (unfortunately) on the scene of Vegeta practicing for his evening routine. Piccolo shrugged and walked past the vertically challenged man, reaching his locker a moment later. A few seconds afterwards he ducked in, retrieving something off one of the shelves. He looked at the small elastic object before waving it in front of Vegeta.

"Hey, this is yours, right?" Vegeta stopped his 'studying' and looked at the item. It was a small black band that looked like it would squeeze anything that it was put around.

"Fool, I have my clip here!" Vegeta threw his own handy thigh money-holder at Piccolo, who shrugged and tossed his back in his locker.

Piccolo didn't respond to the comment because at that moment, Tina decided to walk in. Even though it was Ladies Night, she sometimes came in to entertain some of the lesbians who showed up. Piccolo felt his stomach curl at the sight of her extravagant makeup and colorful wig.

"Hey boys." She said in a voice too deep for Piccolo's taste, moving with a body too TALL for his taste. "I lost my favorite G... have you all seen it? You know, the one with those cute gems..."

Piccolo snorted and shook his head. "I think I caught Vegeta smelling it, but other than that-"

"Shut your goddamn mouth!" Vegeta yelled, blushing a bright crimson. "And no, we haven't seen it. Why don't you ask that fruit Yamcha? He's probably planning on wearing it later."

Tina's nostrils flared at the thought as she paced around. "That dick. When is he coming tonight?"

"Probably too soon..." Piccolo muttered, taking off his shoes. Vegeta snickered and nodded his head in approval, making Tina snarl.

"You all are disgusting." She hissed, making Piccolo laugh outright.

"The money we all make is a little disgusting, isn't it? I wouldn't talk if I were you..." Piccolo waited until she was gone to utter the last part, "-fake tits."

Vegeta sighed in frustration and pointed at Piccolo. "You, which track are we starting to, huh? I was thinking more along the Party Boy line, but that faggot Yamcha wants to go with something slow and like…sexy."

"What a dick. Sexy my ass, more like lethargic. Besides, it's majority rules. Our feet up his ass beat the fact that he has the boss's dick in his mouth."

Vegeta snickered and took off his shirt, throwing it inside his locker. "Truer words were never spoken." He grabbed a container of a clear substance and threw it to Piccolo. Catching the odd little tube, Piccolo turned it over to read the label. Of course he knew it was body oil. They used it to make their bodies gleam in the pale light. He was just curious as to what brand it was.

"Grease Lightning, before you ask. It's supposed to be much better than that other stuff we've been using. I mean, it doesn't come off so easy when you sweat, so the gleam factor stays there long after the sweat's gone."

"Gleam factor?" Piccolo grinned, tossing the stuff back to his smaller companion. "I knew it, you are so gay. First that faggy song, now this-"

Piccolo stopped talking when Vegeta threw one of his discarded shoes at him, catching the green man on the side of the head. He grinned and threw it back at Vegeta, hitting him directly in the face.

"Cool it, short stuff. You know I'm yanking your chain."

"Who's yanking whose chain? Can I help?"

Piccolo and Vegeta both sighed as the slightly effeminate voice penetrated the changing room. Vegeta automatically put his shirt back on, and Piccolo made sure his fly was still safe and high. Both men put their shoes back on and waited for the inevitable. A moment later a saucy looking young man sauntered in, wearing a rather sassy look on his face. Piccolo and Vegeta exchanged looks before walking towards the door.

"He-e-e-ey! Where are you all going, huh? You have to go on stage soon, right?" The man put on a pouty face and rested his hands on his hips. Piccolo could detect traces of eyeliner on the fellow, and a glimmer traced his jutting-out lips. The green man knew for a fact that the latter didn't come from kissing any woman.

"Yamcha, we're just going to go um… grab something to eat. Vegeta's starving, and he has to work a double shift tonight…" Piccolo muttered, inching closer towards the door. What he really wanted to say was 'there is no chance I'm getting dressed with you in the room, for fear of getting molested.'

"Besides, Tina's a little mad at you, and I don't want to be around when she comes in. I think she finally caught on that you were using her makeup." Vegeta snickered and exited with Piccolo, leaving Yamcha on his own.

As soon as they were a safe distance away, Piccolo and Vegeta burst out laughing. "Glad we got the hell out of there." Piccolo grinned, getting a nod from Vegeta.

"Everytime I see that guy… makes a man want to cover his balls and run to safety, doesn't he?"

"You said it. This faggot, man… I swear, if I hadn't seen his wang before, I'd swear he was a chick."

The men turned a corner and found themselves in the lounge room of the club. Vegeta went over to the miniature fridge and pulled out two bottles of beer, tossing one to Piccolo. Piccolo got his keys out of his pocket and popped open the cap, tossing them to Vegeta afterwards. The man did the same and practically threw the keys back to Piccolo, grinning.

Piccolo shook his head and pocketed the keys, smiling. "What you need is some freakin' E, man. Your routine last time- total shit."

Vegeta bristled at the comment and sat in a plush chair. "Oh yeah? Who died and made YOU head stripper?"

"Exotic dancer, thank you." Piccolo chuckled and sat down in a chair opposite Vegeta. All I'm saying is the tips speak for themselves." Piccolo mimicked a kissing gesture as Vegeta flipped him off. "Thanks sweetheart. You know, it's not your fault. I'm simply found more exotic, that's all. Plus you're not flexible." And he wasn't. While Vegeta was muscular, his short stature prevented him from being able to more acrobatic movements. Piccolo's height, however, allowed the muscles to be distributed more evenly, and he had no problem doing, say, a backbend turned into a grab for the center pole.

However much Piccolo and Vegeta ragged on each other, though, they were a great team. They did some of their best work together, particularly in a large group of over-boozed, randy women. Vegeta had a more aggressive style, whereas Piccolo started cool and worked up to a feisty level, almost establishing a basis with the cheering woman. The only problem they had was when Yamcha came up and tried to dry hump them for the 'show's sake'. Everything goes in a strip-tease, except when the people participating were actually trying to do the nasty on stage. Well, one tried to…the other two looked horrified and usually ran to some horny woman for protection.

"Speaking of tips, did you see the chubby in Yamcha's pants? It looked like Christmas came early, if you know what I mean. Jesus, who sucked his dick to get him so hyped?"

Piccolo took a swallow of beer and turned the information over in his mind. It was highly discouraged for any of the employees at Aces Wild to be romantically involved. Not that there was ever any romance. Usually just involved two (sometimes three) people banging the hell out of each other between shows. However, Yamcha didn't have any boyfriends at the moment that Piccolo was aware of. He could always tell, because the fruity man would always get a sickeningly dreamy look on his face, and starting asking questions about a certain fellow faggot.

"No idea. I don't want to think about it, if that's ok with you." Piccolo sipped his beer again and looked at Vegeta, who looked contemplative. "What -or who- is eating you now, Veg? And I know it's not Tina this time. She's on her period, last I heard."

"Shut your pie-hole, Spock. What you said earlier… do you have any?"

Piccolo stared blankly at his partner and raised a brow. "Any…?"

"E, stupid. You got anything good, or were you just kidding?"

Piccolo's eyes shifted to the bottle in his hand. "I've only done Ecstasy once. That was more than enough. Shit got weird, don't try it."

Vegeta seemed to accept this answer and only shrugged as a reply. "Whatever, man. Hey, we better get back in the locker room after this. I bet the fag is about finished, so he shouldn't attempt to recreate a prison rape-scene."

"Fabulous. Let's just get in there and get it over with." Both men set down their bottles and walked to the door, hoping Yamcha was in fact done.

-

Piccolo grinned and winked at the audience as he began undoing the suspenders that held up the over-sized fireman's pants. A moment later the article of clothing dropped to the floor, and Piccolo was left standing in boots, speedo, and helmet. He looked to his right while continuing to move his body, grinning as Vegeta slung his military camos into the cheering crowd, black camo paint smeared under his eyes. His fingerless-gloved hands drew traces down his torso, the gleam of sweat clearly visible. Piccolo tossed his helmet to the crowd and made his way to the 'fire extinguisher' that rested by the edge of the stage. He calmly went over to Vegeta and grinned sinisterly at him before completely dousing him with ice cold water, making the women positively scream. He threw the empty canister behind him and slapped Vegeta's ass, making many females swoon in horniness.

"Look alive there, Veg. I wanted to wake you up, but be careful… Your nipples might poke someone's eyes out." Piccolo himself was coated in sweat, having been moving around quite a bit. His emerald skin gleamed in the shifting blue and red lights, making him appear almost as wet as the sopping Vegeta.

"Worry about your own show, cupcake." He hissed, shaking his hair onto Piccolo, who merely acted shocked.

"I never did like being in wet clothes." He said, walking to the stage and winking at a particularly loud woman, who shoved another one aside to push a wad of bills in the band around Piccolo's thigh. "Whatever should I do, ladies?" He bent down to ask the adoring fans, practically radiating testosterone with his deep voice.

"Take it ALL off!" The crowd screamed in unison, making Piccolo grin and slide his hands to his chest, and down farther to the edge of his barely-there loin covering.

"All of it?" He asked teasingly, which resounded in a loud response of "ALL OF IT!"

"Who am I to disappoint?" He asked while giving a final chuckle.

-

Sputter die I am so worn out… I had to take several breaks on this chapter to cool off. xD I LOVE the idea of Piccolo positively SELLING his body for cash. Dirty, naughty boy! Whip comes out Dance, my drunken slave!

Piccolo: I get awful lonely without Mr. Franklin, you know.

Me: Damn you and inflation prices!

-Ace


	3. Vegeta's Mom

Warning- My own perverted humor was peeked the other day, and I just thought of how funny this situation would be. NO idea why, but… Bear with me. I kept everything to a suitable level…It's not going to go to the M level (at least not yet) because not as many people would see it. Maybe when it's been around for a while, and people are aware of it. Bwahaha…I'm gross and I don't own Dbz.

-

The pair of strippers had been sitting in Vegeta's car for a few minutes, running over the list of what not to say. Basically, Vegeta didn't want his mother to know of his career choice of the moment, since she would in turn tell her ex-husband to spite him, leading him to disown his son. That probably wouldn't phase Vegeta, except his father had promised him the Jaguar if he didn't piss him off by his twenty-fifth birthday. So far Vegeta had done many things to do so, although he had managed to keep under the radar. Normally he wouldn't mind telling his mother about being a stripper. She could come to see a show for all he cared. But she knew something like that would probably send Vegeta Sn. to the hospital with a heart attack… Therefore sharing the news with him would be a plus for her.

"Remind me again…what do you do for a job when you aren't in school?" Piccolo asked in boredom, scratching his ear. Vegeta growled and opened the car door, getting out a moment later. Piccolo followed suit and the pair walked up the front steps to the cheery house.

"I'm a tech store manager. I've been promoted, ok, because last time I was just starting."

"Whatever you say-"

"Oh look, it's my sweet boys!" A cheery voice called out, making both men blush slightly. A young-looking woman rushed out the front door and embraced the pair in a large hug, kissing Vegeta on the cheek. "Piccolo, you've got to bend down a little, I haven't grown since you last saw me, sweetheart." Piccolo complied and bent his knees a little and allowed the woman to daintily kiss him on the cheek. "Oo, you look a little thin, Piccolo! I hope you are eating ok… Come on in, I'll fix you something to eat." Vegeta sighed, used to his mother worrying over Piccolo before himself.

"Mom, we're not five anymore…" He started, only to receive a squeal from his mother.

"I just found the most darling photos, Veggie! It's you and Piccolo when you were younger, playing on swings. It's so sweet, you have to see it. Oh, what is with me today? Come on in and get settled." The pair followed the cheery woman in, and took seats in the living room. Piccolo found it amusing that Ms. Klein (she had gone back to her maiden name) had only improved after the divorce. She was cheerier, threw more parties, and even looked younger. Piccolo kicked himself when he caught his eyes wandering to her low-cut shirt and tight caprees.

'Stop thinking about doing your friend's mom, stop thinking about doing your friend's mom, stop-'

"Piccolo?" Ms.Klein's voice broke him out of his trance, bringing him back into the real world. "You ok, sweetheart? You looked a little stressed out there."

Piccolo smiled and waved off the worry. "I'm great, Ms. Klein… Can we open a window or something? It's a little warm in here." Ms. Klein sent him a look that Piccolo couldn't quite read, but happily complied with the request.

"It's Julia." She said as an afterthought, making Piccolo blink in surprise.

"I'm sorry?"

"Ms. Klein sounds too old. Just call me Julia."

"Hey Julia, can we eat today or what?" Vegeta interrupted loudly, yawning. "You promised that you'd cook if I came to see you."

Julia smiled and pinched her son's cheek. "Of course, Veggie. Let me just check what I have. Piccolo, would you mind giving me a hand?" Piccolo thought it was odd that she asked for his help, but went anyway. As a kid he remembered always helping her bring in groceries and sometimes he even set the table. He and Vegeta had grown up practically together, switching houses constantly. Piccolo personally hated Vegeta's father, and was happy that the divorce had come through. The man was a pompous ass, and was far too over-bearing. Julia had always been so quiet and reserved, probably because she didn't want to upset her already raging tempest of a husband. But now…

"Ok, I need…" Vegeta's mother bent down to see into her food cabinet, searching for certain ingredients. Her raven hair fell over one eye as she searched for peas, and Piccolo couldn't help but think how she did NOT look like she was old enough to be a mother. He quickly did a math calculation in his head, and assumed that if she had had Vegeta when she was at least twenty, then she could be no older than forty-two. That wasn't so bad… She really didn't look over forty at all, and she didn't really act like it, either…

'Piccolo, snap OUT of it. Forty is forty.' He snapped at himself when he found his eyes glued to Julia's trunk. 'That is NOT forty!' He thought as he forced himself to take a step back and look out the window. As a kid he had always thought she was pretty, but now…she just looked radiant. Time hadn't diminished her looks in the slightest. She wore little makeup because she already had beautiful skin, and her hair looked like she had just been doing a shoot for some color treatment commercial or something. Just because she was possibly over forty didn't mean Vegeta's mother wasn't hot.

"Piccolo?" Piccolo jumped as he felt her cool hand on his arm, and shook off the tingly feeling creeping into his legs.

"Y-yes?"

Julia looked gave him the odd look from earlier before calling Vegeta in the kitchen and scribbling down a list of food items. "Honey, could you do me a favor and go to the grocery? I need a couple of things, and it'd be nice if you could run and grab them for me." Vegeta glared hatefully at the note but took it just the same.

"Fine. Which store?"

"Allie's."

Vegeta's eyes bulged at this statement. "Mother, that is on the other side of TOWN! It'll take me forever-"

"I want those ingredients from there, Vegeta. Please do it for me." Vegeta closed his mouth and walked out of the room, muttering things under his breath. Julia waited until she heard the door close until she faced Piccolo. When she did, Piccolo was shocked to see the sweet face gone, replaced by a saucy, unfamiliar look.

"Piccolo, be honest with me. Do you find me attractive?"

Piccolo's mouth opened and closed briefly before Julia walked up to him, letting her fingers trace up his arm. "It's ok, Piccolo. You don't need to answer that. You see, after the divorce… I was feeling a new freedom. I could dress like I wanted, act like I wanted…And do what-or who- EVER I wanted. Because you know what, Piccolo? I spent my early years with the biggest ass in the world, and I let myself be at his whim. I was only seventeen when I had Vegeta. Yes, I can see the wheels spinning now. That means I'm only thirty-nine. I know I'm coming on a little strong, but for once…I don't care. Don't get any notions, Piccolo. I'm not looking for a steady relationship. But I know that Vegeta Sn. would flip if he knew that you had what he didn't. Or any man under thirty, for that matter." She paused and looked Piccolo in the eye, smiling.

"Ms. Klei-er, Julia… I'm not sure if this is the best idea. I mean…you used to pick me up from soccer practice with Vegeta!" If Piccolo had anything else to say it was cut off by soft lips pressed strongly against his own. He was too surprised to do anything except let it happen. A few seconds later, when he thought they were finished, he felt the distinctive, silky texture of a foreign tongue breech his lips. He mentally shrugged to himself and kissed back, thinking how pissed Vegeta would be if he ever found out his best friend was perving on his mom. Ms. Klein began to unbutton the front of the younger man's shirt with energy, making Piccolo blink in surprise.

"You always were such a polite young man, Piccolo. Right now, though, I want you to be anything BUT polite. You understand?" With a yank she ripped off Piccolo's shirt and tossed it over her shoulder, rubbing Piccolo's bare chest afterwards.

Piccolo grinned and let his own hands wander down the woman, mind cleared of all coherent thoughts. "I think I can manage a little rudeness." Julia shivered as Piccolo's large hands went up the back of her shirt.

"You're cold!" She hissed softly, shivering even harder as Piccolo's fingers snapped her bra strap.

The green man grinned and said huskily, "Make me warm."

-

Vegeta growled as he struggled to carry in several grocery bags at the same time. "I got those damn ingredients, mother. You won't take long now, will you? I'm hungry as hell." Vegeta listened briefly before hearing voices in the kitchen. He made his cumbersome trip there, trying not to spill various food items everywhere he went. He got a better handle on the bags and pushed through the door into the kitchen, where he found his mother and friend chatting.

"Thanks honey, put them on the counter there, would you?" Ms. Klein said, brushing a stray lock of hair from her eyes. Vegeta grunted and complied, setting the bags down with a loud 'thunk'. He snorted at Piccolo, who was leaning against the counter with his arms folded. "Don't suppose you'd care to help me, Green bean? Well, I guess it doesn't matter…you look a little out of breath anyway. Run out of air while you bored my mother or what?" Piccolo grinned but didn't say anything, shrugging slightly. He was startled to see Vegeta's mother gesturing behind him, pointing at her crotch and making a fast upward motion. Piccolo was confused until he realized she was telling him his fly was open. He turned his back on Vegeta before he could notice and zipped up noiselessly. He turned back to face his friend a moment later, smiling largely.

"I don't think I bored your mother, Vegeta. I did offer to help her fix lunch, though, so you aren't really needed for another good hour while we get everything ready-"

"For God's sake, I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the food is ready." Vegeta left the kitchen without another word, leaving Piccolo and Julia alone. Both looked at the other's guilty face and broke out into laughter at the absurdity.

"That was close, Piccolo! Your pants weren't even on when the car pulled up." She giggled and kissed the younger man on the lips, nibbling playfully when he pretended to try to pull away.

"You shouldn't talk… You were still hooking your bra when he was opening the door." The woman giggled and blushed slightly. "I love being divorced." She said, straightening Piccolo's collar a little. Piccolo started to do the same for her, but instead of bringing the fabric together, he began pulling the buttons apart again, making Julia slap his hands away playfully.

"I'll have to teach you some self control, young man. But for now let's fix lunch before Vegeta dies of hunger." Piccolo nodded and gave her ass a final love slap before pulling the different items out of the bag, smiling to himself. He didn't care if he was being used. Banging one's best friend's mom was something not every guy his age got to say and be proud of. He personally liked older women, because they knew what they wanted and didn't mess around. His opinion was reinforced when he felt Julia's breasts pressing against his back as she gave him a quick nibble-like kiss on the neck.

"Let's hurry and get this food done, hmm?" She said coyly, rubbing Piccolo's stomach while the rest of her form was still pressed against his back. "It'd probably be even more fun if Vegeta was in the house still… More danger, you know?"

'This woman is a freak.' Piccolo mused as he felt her hand fumble with his belt. '…I like it.'

-

That's it, I'm going into the porn biz!

xD Hold crap, I was LAUGHING to myself the whole time I was writing this. You all know why? Because this sentence is very hilarious to me:

Piccolo is a (Vegeta's) mother fucker. Bwahaha! Hokay, maybe some of you pure-of-hearts out there won't appreciate the joke, but I know ONE individual who will. Rogue, gimme a scale of 1 to 10, hmm? Amp it up, or tune it down?

Till next time,

Ace


	4. Ride 'em, Cowboy

It had been about four days since Piccolo had gotten to…know Ms. Klein. He found her very amusing, though surprisingly tiring. She had far more energy than women half her age, and it was starting to wear on Piccolo's body. "What the hell is the matter with you, Spock? You're walking like an old man!" Vegeta grinned as Piccolo lowered himself gently into a chair. The green man merely smiled back and shrugged. The pair were currently hanging around Piccolo's pad, putting off a research paper given to them two weeks ago.

"Back's been giving me crap these past couple of days," He said cryptically, although the hidden tone was lost on his friend.

"Well, better get back into shape, because tomorrow is Wednesday, which means-"

"Ladies Night," Piccolo finished, grimacing. "That means twice the flow, twice as long…and probably twice as damn horny." He frowned at Vegeta and pointed towards the kitchen. "Hey, go get my heating pad, would you? Be a pal?"

"You're not a damn invalid, Prickolo! You get it yourself!" Vegeta replied in his usual charming manner. Piccolo sighed and got slowly, walking into the kitchen.

"I have to heat it up and shit, so go ahead and watch TV for a minute, alright?" Piccolo quickly stuck his heating pad in the microwave and waited until he heard the telly snap on to go to the phone. He quickly dialled Vegeta's old house number and waited until he heard the cheery voice of his friend's mother.

"Hey sugar, what are you wearing?" He asked playfully, making the woman giggle.

"Piccolo, stop it. Don't be naughty over the phone…yet. I haven't even gotten to ask how you have been doing!"

"Actually, my back is giving me trouble…Which is why I'm calling. I have to pull an all-nighter tonight to finish a research paper, so I won't be able to uh…see you later."

"Oh, I understand. Give you a little time to heal up, hmm? Well, call me if and when you change your mind."

"Ok…One last thing-"

"Shoot."

"What kind of panties do you have on?"

Piccolo smiled when he heard the pretend sigh and slam of the phone. He gently put down the receiver and retrieved his heating pad a moment later. He hobbled back into the den and eased into the couch, situating the pad around his aching section.

"Who was that?" Vegeta asked nonchalantly. Piccolo's eyes shifted slightly as he chose his words carefully.

"Oh, I was just calling my mother to make sure she hadn't thrown my dad out yet."

"Those two are at it all the time. How long do you think it'll last this time?"

Piccolo sighed and shrugged, leaning back slightly. "No idea. Mom swears this time she's going for divorce. My old man says if they don't do it soon, he'll slit his wrists and save her lawyer the trouble." Piccolo grinned wryly at his friend. "So I guess this time will be like the other what, twelve times they've separated?"

Vegeta chuckled and shook his head. "At least when my parents get divorced, they stay that way."

"Thanks God," Piccolo muttered, making Vegeta raise his eyebrows.

"Who?"

"You know, the being who is supposed to be watching all of all the time, and who loves us? You went to Sunday school with me, Vegeta!" Piccolo laughed and let his arms hang on the back on his couch.

"Oh, him," was all Vegeta said as he flipped the TV station.

-

Piccolo panted as he took his fifteen minute break, trying to regain his breath in between sips of water. His back was luckily feeling better than it had been, which was very handy for Ladies Night. He hadn't seen such a big turnout in a while, and wondered what could be the source.

"H-hey man. You look pretty tired," a fellow stripper wheezed, patting himself down with a towel, and wrapping it around his waist afterwards. "I know I don't look much better. What's with the chicks tonight? They're hornier than usual. It's like someone sprayed drugs into the audience or something!" Piccolo shrugged and took a sip of water, handing the glass over to the young man, who took it gratefully.

"How's Vegeta holding up out there?" He asked after the spent guy had emptied the glass.

"He's looking pretty good, but I think he's really worn. He doesn't get a break for another ten minutes, and he's having to entertain the whole crowd…Poor guy." Piccolo nodded and thought a minute. Vegeta had helped him out before, right? Besides, he was his friend, and he needed Piccolo's help, probably.

"I'll see what I can do." Piccolo said, standing up. "Is there an outfit that hasn't been used tonight?" Piccolo asked, going towards the wardrobe department. The man nodded and grinned in fatigue.

"Well, there is one that I think would suit you fine."

-

Piccolo clapped Vegeta's sweaty back, making the smaller man turn around in surprise.

"You? I thought you were on break!" He tongue was practically hanging out of his head as he spoke to the green man. Piccolo chuckled and shrugged.

"Breaks are for people who need them," he replied simply, moving towards the stage. Vegeta looked at his outfit and smiled.

"Good riding, cowboy."

Piccolo looked down at his body and grinned. At the moment he was wearing a long sleeved button-up shirt with a vest, chaps, boots, and the obligatory hat. A lit cigarette was dangling between his lips, giving him an authentic cowboy look. "Fair enough."

He walked to the stage in a kind of western swagger, tipping his hat to certain women. He took a long drag on his cig and blew a steady stream of smoke out afterwards. He then flicked the cigarette behind him as the music came on again to an all-too-familiar song.

'_Oooo, you touch my tra la la…Mmm, my ding ding dong.'_

Piccolo's body found itself moving to the rhythm of the song as the fingers slowly but steadily unbuttoned the vest. Discarding the article of clothing, Piccolo moved on to the shirt, which he did in a more teasing manner. He would unbutton two buttons, then think twice and re-button them. The women were beside themselves with pleasure, howling out catcalls and such. Piccolo finally rid his torso of the binding garment and walked to the pole featured in the center of the stage. He quickly grabbed it and gyrated his hips in time with the suggestive song.

'_Deep in the night,_

_I'm looking for some fun._

_Deep in the night, _

_I'm looking for some love._

_De-de-de-deep in the night, _

_I'm looking for some fun._

_Deep in the night, _

_I'm looking for some –PING-'_

Piccolo let his groin work in a jerking motion against the pole to the thumping beat as he undid his belt. The article came off easily, and Piccolo used it to make a snapping, whip-like motion to the crowd. After ditching the belt Piccolo moved back to the pole, rubbing himself up and down in a very suggestive way, bucking his hips at key beats in the song. Water practically was flung off his gleaming, rock hard body as he continued to make the boozed-up women swoon. When the blue light directed at the stage altered to red, he smiled to himself, and then the crowd.

In a dramatic gesture he tore the chaps off, leaving him clad only in boots, hat, and g-string. He flipped the hat in a showy fashion and covered his nether region, grinning naughtily at one of the women in the front row. She whistled particularly loud and snapped what could only be at least two Mr. Franklins. Piccolo, brows raised in a mock shock gesture, sauntered over and pretended to cool himself off with the hat.

"My my, miss! You must have a things for us cowboys." He put the hat back on and ran a tongue over his teeth as the woman (who was at least 30, though still hot and drunk) placed the two bills into the lining of green man's thong. Piccolo grinned and tipped his hat appreciatively. "Much obliged, ma'am." She wasn't the only one who got more than a little frisky. Piccolo felt his eyes widen (only just) as a hot, thin hand presented itself to his ass, giving it a loud, hard slap. The exotic dancer bit his lower lip, trying not to grin too big as a young woman (must have been her twenty-first birthday, because she was very young and desperately drunk) rubbed herself against his sweating form, dropping a wad of cash into his string. She put her hands on his shoulders and whispered into his ear.

"If you come to a party I'm having afterwards, it'll be worth your while." She gave him a small slip of paper and blew a kiss, and was gone in a blink. Piccolo shrugged and put his thumbs around the strings of the g, lowering the clothing in ever-present rhythm to the song.

-

Piccolo looked at the piece of paper and handed it to Vegeta, who examined it carefully.

"Hmm...it's probably one of those weird, kinky sex parties. I heard about this one guy who went, and had herpes for like years afterwards!"

"Could be. I don't know if I should go or not. I'm kind of scared of getting raped by one of those crazy bitches," Piccolo muttered, taking the paper back. "If you went with me, I'd feel so safe, Veggie!"

"Don't call me that again, ass! And I don't feel like a group orgy after tonight's little fest. I got tipped great, though."

"Yeah, me too," Piccolo said, admiring the bulge in his wallet. "You know, the older ones always tip better, because they always have more money to toss around. Only if you catch a really smashed girl do they tip well."

"Wow, good reasoning Sherlock," Vegeta mumbled, leaning back in the plushy chair. "I don't suppose you plan to write a book, sharing all of your little findings, are you?"

"What crawled up your ass and died, huh? I was thinking out loud," Piccolo bitched back, leaning back as well. "Just because you didn't get invited doesn't mean you have to piss and moan…"

Vegeta's eyes snapped as he looked at Piccolo. "Soory, I was just thinking about something bothering me."

Piccolo leaned forward a little and looked at his friend seriously. "Anything I can help with?"

Vegeta snorted and shrugged, looking to the side again. "Not unless you are willing to beat the shit out of someone for me." Vegeta caught Piccolo's curious look and sighed. "Look, I just found out that my mom has a new boyfriend, and she won't tell me who he is."

Piccolo's breath involuntarily caught in his throat. "H-how do you figure that?"

"Because my mom's acting all weird lately! She's dressing all slutty, too. It's weird, Piccolo! I don't like seeing my mom wearing short skirts because she's getting some dick from a stranger! When I find that guy-"

"Oh come on, Vegeta. One, you don't have any solid proof-"

"Guy left his boxers there, genius! I found them in the kitchen. THE KITCHEN!"

'So THAT'S why I couldn't find that pair.' Piccolo thought to himself. "Well, since when do you care about what your mother does?"

"Since…well, she's my MOTHER, Piccolo! I think I have the right to know who the guy is, so I can check him out…to make sure he isn't a convict or anything."

Piccolo snorted and leaned back, closing his eyes. "That's sweet of you to worry, Veg. I'm sure your mother would be touched to know that you are so concerned about her."

-

Ms. Klein put the glass of wine down as Piccolo began nibbling on her ear, kissing her lightly here and there. She giggled and playfully pushed Piccolo away, though she didn't want him to stop. Piccolo kissed her jaw and nipped the underside, making the older woman moan slightly.

"Piccolo, I thought we-oh… I thought we were going to just relax a little tonight." Piccolo's mouth covered her own shortly afterwards, making her close her eyes against her wishes. Piccolo's hand travelled from her chin to the straps of her dress, which he gently began to pull down.

"Piccolo, really! Are you drunk already? You usually don't move this fast," Ms. Klein giggled, letting her own hands freely wander over the younger man's back.

Piccolo grinned and shrugged, kissing her on the nose. "You just look really good tonight."

Ms. Klein moaned as Piccolo's other hand moved in delicate motions down her back. He was really searching for the zipper, but if she liked it that was good, too.

A thought came to him as he gently halted his actions, looking the object of his lusting in the eye. "Vegeta is concerned about you. It was actually genuine worry, Julia. My best friend is worried about the guy fucking her, and I can't blame him." Julia let her head rest on Piccolo's chest and sighed, rubbing his back softly.

"Piccolo, you always were such a sweet kid. I know you think of Vegeta almost as a brother, but… well, he didn't have to put up with his father like I did. I feel like doing something for me, and he needs to accept that I am an adult and can protect myself."

Piccolo looked her in the eyes and smiled. "Ok, I just wanted to warn you. May I continue?"

A sharp moan was the only reply he got as his fingers wandered aimlessly again.

-

Update, kids!

**Very important. I will be leaving on Wednesday of next week to go on a Eurotour. I will be gone until the 13th of May. That's at least 18 days of no updating. Depending how much time I get, I might update once more before leaving, though I doubt it, due to school. However, the decision rests on the reviews. If I get less than six reviews on this chapter, I am discontinuing the fic. If people are going to be assholes and read it without giving imput, I'll be a bitch and stop the story, sending updates to a few people. Choice is up to y'all.**

**Ace**


	5. Fick für ein Dollar?

**Warning: strong (er) sexual content in this chapter. PG-13 rating lived up to.**

"You're not going to that…that sexual suicide party, are you?" Vegeta looked minimally concerned as Piccolo checked his image in his bedroom mirror, straightening his bow tie this way and that. His tux still fit him as well as the day his brother got married, almost one year ago. Piccolo almost snarled at the thought of Nail, always grinning in that superior way of his.

"Did you even hear what I said?" Vegeta snapped, making Piccolo start.

"No, I'm sorry. What are you bitching about now?" Piccolo exposed his teeth in the mirror and made sure they were spotless as usual before listening to his friend.

Vegeta bristled at the statement and haughtily crossed his arms. "I asked if you were going to that kinky fest! You know you are going to be crawling with STDs when you get back, and I am NOT bringing you flowers in the hospital."

Piccolo shrugged and dusted the shoulders of his jacket off. "The note said wear a tux…so I'm assuming it's going to be a reasonable party before the dirty."

Vegeta snorted and shook his head. "Yeah right, keep telling yourself that. I'm telling you, when I have to drive you around because your AIDs made you a weak little bitch, I'm going to have to say I told you so."

Piccolo glared at the mirror at Vegeta's reflection. "At least I'm getting paid tonight. You're just going to sit on your ass and watch porn or something lame ass."

Vegeta threw him the bird and left without another word, allowing Piccolo to finish getting ready in peace.

-

When Piccolo arrived at the party that night, his first impression was that it was, in fact, a formal affair. Everywhere he looked were young women in formal looking attire, laughing quietly over a glass of wine, or speaking softly to each other. Several of the women were holding hands, and Piccolo found himself thinking that he had landed in a les bash. The joint was too nice to be a sex orgy meeting place, what with marble flooring, classical music playing, and a chandelier to top the scene off. A young man holding a tray of wine glasses came up to Piccolo, looking oddly amused.

"Sir, may I offer you a touch of spirit? Best of the house," Piccolo shook his head as the letters LSD ran through his head.

"Maybe some other time. Can you tell me what this place is? I was just um…invited and I have no clue-"

"You're here! And don't you look handsome!" The young girl from Ladies Night approached Piccolo, making him instinctively cover his privates. The young woman laughed and linked her arm in Piccolo's, dragging him softly away from the other man, who seemed to be containing his laughter.

"I know you are probably confused, but rest assured, this is just a formality. What you are seeing here is a gathering of young female authors, who come together once a year to trade writing tips, good stories, etc." She tucked a lock of bright orange behind her ear and smiled at Piccolo.

"Great, but what does that have to do with me?" Piccolo asked as kindly as he could, making the girl giggle.

"Patience, I'm getting there! The other night was not entirely my idea. You see, in this club we think of each other almost as sisters. And as sisters, we do each other the occasional favour. Now, a good friend of mine wanted you to come, so she asked me if I could contact you (by first peaking your interest) to see if you two could meet."

"Why didn't she ask me herself? Seems a little troublesome-"

"Because, um… I didn't catch your name." She blushed a little and smiled apologetically.

Piccolo wasn't sure he wanted to disclose any personal information to this woman, but he figured his first name wouldn't hurt anything. "Piccolo."

"Hmm, Piccolo. Unusual, I like it. Well Piccolo, the reason my friend didn't contact you was because she couldn't…legally."

Piccolo's brows raised about two inches as the woman continued to explain.

"She's one of our more…eccentric writers, and has a tendency to be very…well, OPEN about certain things."

"Such as…?"

"Such as lustfully yelling she wants to bang with someone and fast. Apparently, you caught her eye a while ago, and she was wanting to talk to you. However, she was very drunk at the time and said very…questionable things to security. She was deemed a bit on the overly-kinky side, and she can't come back to Aces Wild, for fear she might molest the workers, namely you."

Piccolo's first response was to get the hell out of dodge, but the woman's grip on his arm tightened. "She's very brilliant, you know. Just a little too open. Anyway, she's quite successful, and is willing to pay you far more than anyone at AW."

Piccolo stopped fidgeting and gave the woman a curious look.

"Ok, I can buy that, I guess. But…why me? Why not one of the other guys?"

The young lady smiled cheerily at the tall man. "She has an ear…fetish…thing. And she really digs green. Now, wait over here for just a moment, please."

Piccolo was growing increasingly nervous as the girl continued to direct him towards the other end of the room. His eyes bounded around, trying to guess which woman could be the horny stalker. His eyes briefly met those of a girl with brown eyes and hair, who looked a little too young to attend such a function. She apparently thought it was rude to stare, and gently elbowed the girl next to her, who was unabashedly gawking at Piccolo with a hungry look in her eyes. Piccolo was about to be dragged farther when the small lady came over to him, looking at his face in wonder.

"Can I…help you?" He asked, the nervousness clear in his voice. The girl's mouth hung slightly open as she nodded brightly.

"You can sure as hell try, pal! Wow-WOW. You are quite something to look at! How would you like to be my muse? I've been looking for a good new character, and I have to say you'd fit the bill-" She looked Piccolo up and down, making Piccolo feel slightly dirty, "-quite nicely."

The girl must have barely reached 5'3 at most, with big greyish eyes and dirty-blonde hair. She didn't wear any makeup except for a little mascara, setting her eyes apart from the rest of her pale, thin face. "Kid, are you even old enough to vote?" Piccolo asked, more than slightly agitated, and desperately wanting to wear a trench coat or something equally hiding. The girl's face dropped a little as she kicked the ground slightly, mumbling something that sounded like 'almost'.

"Bitch, get your underage hands away from him! I called dibs, so I get first introductions." The young girl was pushed aside by another thin, slightly older woman. She looked to be about nineteen or twenty, with long brown hair and eyes. She wasn't too much taller than the other kid, though her dress was lower cut and showed off her more bountiful cleavage. Without hesitation she stuck out her hand and grasped Piccolo's own, seeming to enjoy the feel of his skin a little too much.

"Oh my God. Oh my God, hi. Hi, I'm…" She smacked the kid next to her and snapped, "What's my name again?"

"Sofia the bitch," the girl mumbled, making the lady grin again.

"Right, I'm Sophia! But you can call me Sophie or Master…"

"What was that last one?" Piccolo asked, brows raised.

"Sophie!" She chirped, latching on to Piccolo's arm. "And you're Piccolo! I learned it from one of the bartenders at AW. May I just say I'm a big fan? Well, I'll say it anyway. I'm a BIG fan! That act with the snakes? Genius!"

"Wow, what kind of acts? Like a magician?" The girl asked innocently, only to be thwapped on the head by Sophia.

"Nothing a little prat like you would understand. Although what he does might be considered magic…" She got a starry look in her eye before pushing the teen away. "In any case, you can't even buy cigarettes yet, so bugger off!" The kid looked furious for a moment before shrugging and pissing off.

"Fine, I'm going to go order something on your tab again, you asshole." She went off, muttering something that sounded like 'hogging all the good ones'. Piccolo blinked briefly before returning his eyes to the young woman, who startled him as she practically shoved her face into his.

"Piccolo, may I call you Piccolo?" She didn't wait for an answer as she pulled Piccolo away from the crowded room and into a quiet, semi-darkened hallway. "I wanted you to come to this party because I just had to meet you, but I didn't want you to think that all I wanted you for was sex."

"That is all you want me for, though, right?" Piccolo asked, scared she would be one of the talkers. Sophia seemed to think about this before grinning and glomping the poor green man, nodding vigorously. Piccolo gently detached himself from her form and frowned. "I'm not a damn prostitute, lady. I don't fuck for a buck, you know."

The words seemed to stir strong feelings in the young lady, and Piccolo bit his lip. Maybe he had used a harsh tone of voice, and he could break the situation down more kindly-

"You'd be rough, huh? I love 'em rough! I only have one request- could you strip down first as a Nubian prince? I think that would be so hawt." She blushed and hugged Piccolo's waist, giggling into his tux jacket. "Mmm, you smell so good, I could just eat you up! Pun so intended, because I can be a dirty bitch like that…"

"Look, woman, I have no idea how much medicine you take, but it is so not working!" Piccolo said, trying to pull off the deranged girl. Sophia looked up into Piccolo's eyes and sniffed, tears forming in her eyes.

"Do you think I'm ugly?" She whispered, making Piccolo raised a brow.

"No, I don't, but…" he looked at her now exuberant youthful face and large emotional eyes…and perky breasts. "Are you still in college?" He asked, getting a cheerful nod and another hug.

"Hehe! Please believe me when I say this: if you'll let me have my way with you for…six hours, I will pay you enough money to buy a car. I would say the pleasure would be enough, but I know there must be material initiative involved for men to be interested. Now, what do you say we ditch this place and head back to mine?"

Piccolo had to think about this. Go against his morals (what was left of them anyway), and screw a complete stranger for money, or go home and watch TV. 'Just think of it this way… a hot younger college chick wants to bang you, and toss in a wad of cash too. What have you got to loose?'

"… Ok, but I'm driving."

-

Piccolo splashed water on his face as ragged gasps shook his form. The girl was a complete freak! She had absolutely no limits on her sexual stamina. They had been going at it for some time, although Piccolo had needed to get a little tipsy before he agreed to hop in the sack. Four tequila shots later, he had been doing one of the acts she had suggested, which was stripping as an Egyptian… He had no idea how he pulled it off, seeing as it was one of the most outlandish stunts he had done till now. She just happened to have a costume ready for him, which was still ok… He had once been asked to dress like a cabana boy for a woman's ninetieth birthday party, for God's sake! No, the real trial came afterwards, when she got really frisky and used Piccolo's body for a food item as she poured whip cream all over his muscles. He ached in places he didn't know existed, and he would most likely come out of the whole ordeal with hickeys in obscene places.

"Slave, you aren't tiring are you? We still have two hours until your duty has been fulfilled… Now, come and be a nasty boy, hmm?"

Piccolo felt rather like whimpering and running home, but they had made a deal. He had even seen the money, and it was worth every strange moment of kinky sex.

"Coming Master," he replied obediently, quickly drying off his face and heading back into the bedroom. The leather-suited figure greeted him with a smile, while menacingly rubbing a foreign object between her fingers.

"W-what's that?" Piccolo asked, though he was afraid of the answer.

"Oh nothing, I just decided that you were a bad boy and needed a little punishment." A sharp crack rang out, and Piccolo felt his side tingle. His eyes travelled to the object and watched it slowly catch the light.

"That's a whip," he said, feeling a bit like Captain Obvious. Sofia nodded and then grinned. She expertly wound it around Piccolo, brining his hot and sweaty body closer to her own. She was wearing extremely high heeled boots, though she still didn't reach Piccolo's face. So, using her handy tool, she dragged Piccolo's lips to her level and savagely lunged at them with her own, completely in control. Piccolo's eyes were shut tightly, because he wasn't sure he wanted to know what happened next. When the young woman broke the brutal kiss some seconds later, she licked Piccolo's lips and pushed him on the bed, holding him there with the sole of her boot.

"Now, are you going to start being a little rougher, or are you going to just let me have my way with you the rest of the time?" She removed her foot and replaced it with her chest, so that she was laying on Piccolo, and looking him rights in the eyes. One thing was going on in Piccolo's mind, and that was the fact that he was being out-sexed by some strange girl. He swallowed harshly but knew what he had to do. He used his weight to push his way out from under the woman, and got untangled from the whip. The green man looked on with a smirk at the prone figure, whose chest began to heave slightly in arousal. Piccolo found his own breathing had heightened, and grinned widely at his newly acquired excitement.

"You want rough?" Piccolo asked huskily, making Sofia shiver with pleasure.

"You know it," she whispered, gasping as Piccolo grabbed her roughly and hungrily started to nip down her neck, undoing the leather corset she was wearing as he did so. Sofia started to protest but Piccolo forced his mouth upon hers, greedily taking her lips in his teeth. Not hard enough to hurt, but not too soft, either. The green man's sharp fangs had served him before, and he used them now to trace little biting kisses down the woman's throat. She half-moaned, half-giggled as Piccolo got the corset undone and moved his little session further down.

"You taste good," Piccolo murmured before he removed her piece of clothing completely, making her involuntarily shiver. His eyes darted down quickly, then back to Sofia's. "You look a little cold. Let's change that, shall we?"

_Push me _

_and then just touch me _

_till I can get my-_

_satisfaction_

-

"I told you that it was a bad idea, didn't I?" Vegeta asked, continuing his search on the Internet without glancing at his friend's prone figure. Piccolo's long form took up all of the room on the couch, and then some. His eyes might have been opened or closed, to Vegeta's knowledge. His face was buried in the cushion of the sofa, since the light would have more or less machine-gunned his retinas. "Don't go, I said. It'll be the end of you. Probably got some old horny bitch, huh?" Vegeta said, continuing his monologue. He typed in a few words, and for a moment the only sound in Piccolo's living room was the clicking of keyboard. Vegeta looked thoughtful for a moment before he stood up and went into the kitchen, coming back a minute or two later. "I put the coffee on, because your ass needs to get up. It's four in the afternoon, for God's sake." When Vegeta saw that Piccolo had no intention of responding, he sat down at the computer and began to work again.

"In other news, my mom's mystery guy remains a mystery. Last night when you were occupied with your civil duties, I checked on my mother. Seems that it's nothing too serious… she says it's not an everyday thing, and that I really shouldn't worry about it. She said I shouldn't expect a new father anytime soon, which is a relief. It'd be really odd to attend a wedding, you know? I'd be fun to see my dad's face, though. How are your parents, anyway? Last time you said they were like divorcing, or some shit. Do you think they'll go through with it, or is this just going down as another fun little occasion to laugh at?" Again receiving no answer, Vegeta plunged ahead.

"And, lucky for you, AW is closed for tonight. It's apparently a holiday or something, and the boss felt like using it for himself. I heard he's taking Roxy and Angel to go three way for the weekend. I smell a raise, what about you?" _Click click clickity click_. "Piccolo?"

A muffled murmer reached his ears, and Vegeta picked out a word that resembled 'what'.

"Are you ok? I mean, what all went on with you? I don't want to take you to the hospital to get tested, but if it comes to that…" No answer.

Vegeta sighed and turned away from the computer. "Did you at least get paid well?"

Piccolo pointed to something on the coffee table, confusing Vegeta. "That's a table, stupid." Piccolo pointed more persistently, still not lifting his head from it's position in the cushions.

Vegeta took a looked at the table and raised his eyebrows. "Did you get stiffed? All that's there are your keys." Piccolo gave one final point to the table, then to the window. Vegeta's eyebrows lowered as the shiny keys caught his eye. Something looked different.

He stood up and went over to the window, looking at the street below. His eyes widened to the size of plates as he stumbled backwards, finally putting two and two together.

"Piccolo…that's a …t-that's a-a-a"

"Cadillac, I know."

Now it was Vegeta's turn to go comatose on the carpet, making the ever-prone Piccolo smile as the body hit the floor.

-

Sorry that took a while. Eurotour, sickness, blah blah. It's up now, though, and that's what is important! I'm Ace James, bitch! Ok, not really… but I am very in to smut at the present moment! I could have gone worse, but my mom reads this. JUST KIDDING! Haha, but Dbz Chicka does, and she is a bit of my mama... So yeah, I kept it at PG-13...even though it is boardering. Let me know if I should change the rating, ok guys?

-Ace


	6. Retared versions of normal people

Whoa, hey there everyone. Well, not too bad of a response… I think I made Piccolo Perv Twin pass out, but other than that, everyone seemed to take that last little chapter in stride… I have obviously decided to up the rating. I got scared that fanfiction would kick the story if it got too racy, so bam- M for mature. I guess I knew that when I started this fic, but still… In other news, I feel like I have cancer, and have not stopped coughing for…two weeks now. Bloody head is splitting apart, FYI. But hey, here's the next chapter.

Don't own Dbz.

-

Piccolo sat in his car, thinking about how to approach the situation. What did he even say when he came in? Last time this had happened, he had thankfully been out of town, and hadn't had to deal with the whole situation. He wasn't sure his presence was a good thing now, either.

He slowly exhaled between clenched teeth and opened the door, stepping out into the tense air. Even though he was outside, he could practically feel the waves of hatred from inside his parents' house. He made the familiar way up the driveway, thinking about how many times he and Vegeta had played on it when they were younger… drawing with chalk, racing little cars, and later setting the girl-next-door's Barbie on fire. Good times.

The green man took a breath and opened the door, immediately being hit with the sound of complete and total-

Silence.

'Great, it's worse than I thought,' Piccolo thought to himself as he made his way from room to room, checking the various places his parents usually resided when they were bickering. He came to the kitchen eventually, and groaned when he caught the vision of his parents in their natural environment.

Utter hatred-filled glares were thrown across the table as the two adults sat, each drinking their own beverage. Piccolo's mother blew quietly on her tea while mouthing 'I hate you' to Piccolo Sn., who absent-mindedly stirred his coffee whilst baring his teeth.

"Uh… hi," Piccolo said awkwardly, shattering the silence like a sheet of glass. Strangely enough, though, it repaired itself almost instantly, and now hung like a wet blanket over the three people. The ticking of the kitchen clock sounded like a gong being hit in equal intervals. Piccolo looked around the kitchen, which had changed throughout the years. After being a strong red, it was calmed by a light blue, and was now a deep green color was the dominate hue of the décor. The missing family pictures were easily spotted, as was anything remotely sentimental to his parents. The young man knew that this wasn't just another spat, and expected the worst. After a few seconds, Piccolo's mother stopped cooling her tea and put her cup down with a soft '_plink'_.

"Piccolo, would you like something to eat honey? I made a cake a couple of days ago, but someone didn't want to try it, so it's untouched…" She took a dainty sip out of her cup and tucked a lock of brown hair behind her ear. Her eyes flicked to the other side of the table briefly before they focused on her son again.

Piccolo glanced nervously at his father and nodded slowly. "Sure Mom… Um, what flavour is it?"

"It's chocolate cake," whispered Piccolo's father, abruptly ceasing his stirring. "Which means I basically DIE if I eat it. But by all means, go right ahead! It doesn't matter if I have an allergic reaction the size of Jupiter, does it? Nooo, of course not."

Piccolo received his piece of cake silently and sat down in the middle of the table, a move which probably wasn't completely safe. Seconds once again ticked by as Piccolo glanced from his father to his mother, both of which seemed content to merely sit and glare daggers at each other.

"Piccolo, son, you haven't even tried it yet," Piccolo's mother said softly, eyes never leaving Piccolo Sn.

"Uh-"

"Son, you don't have to eat the cake the moment you sit down. You can just sit and talk for a little while."

Seconds tick by as Piccolo's mother muttered something about 'knowing how to communicate'.

"At least I don't forget when a certain food can be medically dangerous for my spouse, May! No, I take it back. You probably MEANT to make it chocolate." Piccolo Sn. growled softly, making May smirk.

"If I wanted to kill you I'd use my hands, dear."

"It's good cake, mom." Piccolo said quietly, getting a smile from his mother, and a sharp glare from his father.

"Thank you, honey. It's very nice to be complimented, and to just talk for a bit with someone you love, isn't it?" She asked sweetly, making Piccolo's eyes dart quickly to his father before nodding his head slowly.

"Yeah, sure Mom…"

"It's just as nice not to have to worry about keeling over at afternoon coffee," Piccolo Sn. said in the same tone of voice, making Piccolo nervous.

"Quick question… Is this whole thing with you two… Well, is it about cake?"

"It has nothing to do with the fucking cake!" Piccolo's father said in aggravation, covering his eyes with one hand. "For Christ's sake, son, open your eyes!"

"I was just proving a point, Piccolo! It doesn't feel great to have important things forgotten, does it?" May seethed, pushing her cup of tea away quickly. "Let me refresh your memory. One week ago marked the 50th anniversary of my parents' wedding. We had been planning the party for weeks, and what do you do? You FORGET the date of the dinner, and go home, wondering where on Earth I am. And why? Because you had a stupid meeting!"

"Those 'stupid meetings' are what have paid for all the comforts you enjoy today. This last one was particularly large, and involved me making the closing-"

"SO WHAT!" May yelled in frustration, pulling down on a lock of hair. "It's called family dedication, Piccolo! You don't have it!"

"The cake is really good, Mom."

"…"

"…"

Piccolo looked from parent to parent and sighed. "Who's moving out this time?"

-

"It's like they're two years old or something. They have been constantly splitting since I was twelve, and they just end up coming back together after a little cool-down time. This time, though, my mom insists that it's really over, and that she's going to move in with her sister until the divorce comes through, when she'll probably get the house. She says she can't stand to even look at my father, he makes her so pissed."

"It's not your fault, Piccolo. There is absolutely nothing you can do to alter the situation, and you shouldn't ponder over your parent's testy relationship. It'll just make you sad, which makes me sad." Julia rubbed Piccolo's shoulders as the young man laid there on the couch, stomach-down. The older woman was sitting on the small of his back, working her fingers over the tense parts of the stripper's upper torso.

"Yeah, I know, it's just that sometimes I feel like I should have been able to say something… DO something, you know? No, you couldn't, probably." Piccolo said quietly, closing his eyes and letting the thin but strong fingers of Julia relax his stressed-out muscles. However, the rubbing motion stopped shortly after the comment, and Piccolo found himself turned around to be facing the woman.

She looked serious, and her mouth was set in a determined line. "Piccolo… You don't know half of the things I have seen. Please don't make assumptions about a person who you think you know. It never is a wise decision." She laid her form on top of Piccolo's and let her face rest in the folds of Piccolo's shirt.

Piccolo blinked and rubbed the woman's back gently. "Sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Forget it," Julia said from Piccolo's shirt, and the two remained in that position for several minutes- Piccolo silently rubbing the older woman's back, while she mindlessly fiddled with the collar of his shirt. Quite some time passed, and Piccolo watched as the shadows on the walls grew longer as the sun sank slowly into the horizon. They seemed to take odd forms, and one even resembled a woman. With a pang of guilt he thought of Sofia, and wondered if there was even anything he should he guilty about.

He chewed on the thought before breaking the silence with an odd question.

"Will you ever love me?"

Julia looked up, very surprised, and stared at Piccolo's thoughtful gaze. She could tell he wasn't trying to be funny, and turned the piece of information over in his head. After a while she began to speak, very quietly. Piccolo attentively watched her eyes as she spoke.

"Piccolo, you're too young to know what love is. I thought I knew when I was your age, and it was harsh when I realized how little I was actually aware of. Sex is all well and good, but it's no stone's throw away from being in love. True love is something special that takes years to develop and won't ever disappoint you… I know this only now, after I dealt in years of being-as silly as this may sound- UN-in love." Julia lay her head on Piccolo's shoulder and sighed. "Can you understand what I mean?"

"You won't really love me. Is that it?" Piccolo asked, not unkindly. Julia kissed him gently on the cheeks and shushed him gently.

"You have your whole life ahead of you to find your perfect match."

-

Although no definite word was said, Piccolo knew that he wouldn't visit Julia in the same way again. He felt a little empty, like being used for some other, cheap purpose. He supposed it was his own fault, and tried to shrug off the feeling of gloom hanging around him.

"Hello, earth to Greenbean!" Vegeta snapped, waving a hand in front of Piccolo's face.

Piccolo blinked and moved his friend's hand away. "What?"

"I said quit spacing and pass me the remote. If you hadn't noticed, Friends came on, and I would personally rather gouge my eyes out then watch it. So, the power stick, please."

Piccolo sighed and tossed the remote lightly to Vegeta. "Sorry."

Vegeta looked like he was about to say something, but stopped, mouth wide open. "What did you say?"

Piccolo glanced over at him and shrugged. Vegeta blinked and cleaned his ear with his little pinky and looked at the TV again. "Whatever, man. Look, why have you been acting all mopey anyway? Bad sex?" He chuckled at his own joke, and looked at his watch. "Speaking of which, we have approximately two hours before we gotta be at AW. Wanna eat something before we head out?"

"No thanks, I'm not hungry. You...you go on ahead." Vegeta blinked in confusion and opened his mouth to object, when Piccolo got up and stretched, looking long-faced.

"You know what? I think I'm gonna walk there. I just need a little air, ok, and I want to be awake for tonight... I'll see you there, ok? Lock up when you're done here."

Piccolo sauntered to the elevator of his building, and glumly pushed the button. He wasn't sure why he was even sad, but for some reason he just couldn't shake he feeling of loss.

'It's not like you're at a shortage of women... tonight, you'll get on stage, and everything will be just like before.'

-

"Hello ladies, my name is Piccolo, and I'd love for one of you to erect-ahem, I mean elect ME for YOUR personal president."

Piccolo grinned as Vegeta snorted behind him, who was also beginning to take off his tie, slowly, teasingly. Piccolo, not to be outdone, whipped it off and wrapped both hands on either end of the tie, rubbing it between his legs, making several women scream.

"You're such a slut." Vegeta whispered harshly, though Piccolo detected a smile in his voice.

"Yeah, bet your mom knows it, too." He said, just kidding at first, then thought over his choice of words. Vegeta frowned at the comment, or rather the confusing reaction from Piccolo afterwards.

"Just concentrate on the show, skank."

"Will do, whore." Piccolo had already taken off his blazer and was working the hard-to-open buttons when Vegeta's pants came flying to his feet. Piccolo looked over in surprise, wondering how Vegeta was done so quickly. He saw that the shirt was still on, though the undergarments obviously weren't.

'Huh, new approach,' he thought as he ripped off the confinding cloth that was his shirt and twirled it around his head before tossing it to the side, allowing the sweaty muscles to receive air. He let out a renewed sigh of contentment and grinned over at Vegeta, who was doing something strange with a briefcase. Piccolo blinked suddenly as he felt something hit his chest and fall to the floor. He grinned when he realized it was a pair of silk panties, and searched the audience for the guilty woman. He knew the moment he saw the woman with long, dark hair and sunglasses that he had found the alledged randy fiend.

His lips curved into a large smirk as his mouth formed the word 'Sofia' .

-

Argh! Finally done, thank fuck.


	7. It's a living

Wow, shitty feedback. Thanks to the people who did review! I don't own Dbz, or any of it's characters.

-

Piccolo's eyes were only partly open as his college professor droned on about some boring matter. The classroom's air conditioning had broken, and every student was down to their undershirts (if they weren't already wearing something sleeveless). Piccolo was no exception, and his attention span was growing increasingly thin. Little things snagged his concentration and kept it there. The scantily clad girl in front in him, for instance- fanning herself obnoxiously loud with her notebook, throwing her thick hair around in agitation. Piccolo's eyes wandered lazily to the guy next to him, who was drawing a naked woman on the desk in boredom. The green man sighed and finally let his weary pupils settle on his professor, who seemed to notice the eye contact.

"Ah, welcome back Mr. Damioh! Perhaps you would care to expand on what I just said?" He asked, turning the projector off with a snap.

"Um, that's ok. I think you were doing a very good job of it, sir." Piccolo shrugged and leaned forward a little to show he was making an effort to pay attention, making the older man up front sigh.

"Well, it is rather hot today... we can end class early today, but only today! The AC should be fixed soon, so I expect everyone to be more receptive next time. Remember, your research papers are being graded this week, but hat doesn't let you all off the hook. All right, get out of here." The entire room let out a grateful sigh, and the clatter of books being shut and tossed into bags filled the air. Piccolo noticed his book wasn't even open, and slid it nonchalantly into his bag. He was about to rise from his chair when a figure suddenly appeared in front of him.

"Hey, Pic!" The young man grinned, tilting his head to the side. Likewise, Piccolo grinned and shook his head.

"Goku, haven't seen you in a while. What are you doing here, this isn't your class." Goku grinned even bigger and sheepishly scratched his head.

"Yeah, I was waiting outside. I uh, really needed your help." Piccolo frowned at the news. He had known Goku since they were kids, and he liked the guy. Sure he was stupid, but he wasn't in trouble, was he?

"Sure, shoot." Piccolo said, getting up and slinging his bag over one shoulder. Goku followed him out of the room a moment later, obviously choosing his words.

"Well, here's the thing...I am getting really- what I mean is Chi-Chi and I..."

"Son, spit it out." Piccolo said in slight agitation. It was too damn hot to be pussy footing around. Goku nodded and swallowed hardly.

"Piccolo, I want to ask Chi-Chi to be my wife."

The green man's eyes widened substantially as he stared at his friend, wondering if he had heard right. "M-marriage?"

Goku nodded and smiled. "Crazy, I know. But, that's not all..."

"Goku, if you think I'm going to help you ask her-"

"No no, Pic, you got it all wrong. See, I have the ring picked out and everything. The only problem is buying it."

Piccolo frowned and looked at his friend. "You have a steady job, you can afford it, right?"

Goku laughed nervously and shrugged. "I _did_ have a steady job. I accidentally got fired for sleeping on duty. I came to you because your job seems to pay well, and I wanted to know if they were hiring."

Piccolo's eyes rolled before he could stop them. The idiot had no idea of what Piccolo's night job was. "Goku, you wouldn't like it. Hours are shitty, and you don't get any respect..."

"But the money's good, and I wanna buy that ring as soon as I can!" He seemed so determined that Piccolo just didn't have the heart to turn him down. Besides, amateur night was only three days away, and Goku could try out his luck there.

"Ok, but I have to prepare you for it's uh...demands. Come to my place around seven tonight, and um... yeah, I'll explain everything there."

-

Although his instincts had warned him against it, Piccolo had ended up calling Sofia. He knew he could use her help with Goku, and she was the only woman he knew who could. So, after agreeing to another night of pleasure/pain, Piccolo had the sworn aid of the young woman.

'I just hope I'm doing the right thing.' Piccolo thought as his doorbell rang. He opened it, seeing Goku's grinning face.

"Hey Piccolo! I brought movies, and some snacks, ok? It'll be fun! I got a comedy and an action, because tonight doesn't have to be all business, you know."

"Goku, this isn't a damn sleep-over. God, get in here." Piccolo pulled his friend in, hoping no one in his wing had witnessed the embarrassing little incident. "Now, I need to know one thing: do you know what a strip club is?"

Goku chewed on his bottom lip, squinting slightly. "Um...is that a chicken joint or something?" Piccolo sighed and resisted the urge to slap his friend silly.

"Man, I know you grew up in the country, but Christ...You know what, it's ok. All right, this may be difficult for you to understand, but people like to see other people-strangers, Goku- completely naked."

Goku nodded, but looked confused. "Why would they wanna do that? Don't they know everyone looks the same?"

Piccolo held his hand out, covering his eyes with the other one. "Just, let me finish...ok? Now, that's a little too boring for the general person. They like to see the person taking off their clothes...God, I feel so disgusting explaining this..." Piccolo rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and continued. "Anyway, the person removing their clothes-or 'stripping' as it's known- usually does it in a very erotic -that means sexy- way. NOW, it's hardly ever just everyday clothes. The stripper dons many costumes, ranging from construction worker to cop. It depends what the club says. Do you understand any of that?"

Goku looked a little confused. "But, I take off my clothes all the time in the locker room, and nobody-"

"Damn it, Goku, you do it for the opposite sex. Jesus, didn't your father teach you anything? Have you never seen porn in your life?" Piccolo was a little exasperated, but only because he was worried about his friend's innocence. "It doesn't matter. Look, I don't think you are cut out for this, buddy. It's not most people's thing, and well..."

"Piccolo, I need the money. Fast. Please, just teach me what I need to know, ok?" His face looked so pleadingly at Piccolo, that the exotic dancer just couldn't resist.

"Oh all right. But the first thing you need to do is come with me."

-

Goku covered his ears as the loud bass thumped the speakers. "Piccolo, is it always so loud?" The green man shrugged.

"Not always, but for the most part, yeah. Better get used to it. Now look," he said, pointing to the central stage. "You see that? We gotta get as close as we can to it, so you can see what I'm talking about." As they managed their way up, Goku became more and more confused.

"Piccolo, what are those women doing?"

"Just look ahead, Goku. You don't need to worry about that." Goku followed orders and the two young men finally made it to the front row. "Now, just watch the show and get an idea of what goes on in such a place."

The lights on stage danced wildly as a fast paced techno started up, followed by an energetic young woman in a jogger's uniform. She did a backbend and grabbed on to the pole on the center stage, flipping herself onto it and holding herself upside down, letting her ponytail swing in circles. She ripped off the hair tie and her blonde hair covered her face, only to be shaken away saucily a moment later. She gracefully hopped off the pole and fake-jogged to the edge of the catwalk, her high-heeled shoes clashing with the miniscule sport shorts.

"Piccolo, I don't think I understand," Goku began, but stopped when the woman started to teasingly lift up her jersey shirt, reavling something a bit more provocative than a sport bra.

Goku's eyes flew wide open and he stared at Piccolo, shaking. "Wh-what on earth is she doing! Everyone's watching!"

"No shit, that's the point," Piccolo said dully, shaking his head. "Look, Goku, the men aren't any better. They take off their clothes in an act, they get paid, everyone's happy."

Goku's eyes wouldn't leave Piccolo's, as if he was afraid to look to the stage. "But why?"

Piccolo shrugged and patted his friend on the shoulder. "It's a living."

-

After letting Goku be disturbed for a while, Piccolo took him back to his place and shoved him inside the door, tired of his whining.

"Piccolo, I wanna do it, but I don't know what it feels like-"

"I KNOW, Goku. I brought you back here so you could learn, damn. She should be here any minute..."

"Who?" Now Goku was really confused, and sat on the couch in a daze. Piccolo ignored him and tapped his foot on the ground.

"Goku, have you and Chi-Chi...well, did you guys ever...you know, hook up?"

"Huh? She's not a fish, Piccolo." Goku's large eyes followed Piccolo's agitated and pacing form.

"I know that, you silly bastard. I mean did you all ever...do the deed?"

"Now you're not making any sense at all. First she's a fish, and now you're talking about deeds or wills or something..."

"DAMNIT, GOKU! Did you two ever have SEX? SEX! That's what I wanted to know! This is going to be a LOT harder for you to understand if you're a virgin."

Goku blinked and tilted his head. "Uhhh... great, I don't need things to get any worse." He frowned and rubbed his chin. "But that's how it's gonna be, I guess. I think I'd remember if we did _that."_

I would hope so," Piccolo muttered, stopping his pacing at the sound of his door being knocked on. The grass-hued man walked to the door and yanked it open, grabbing a giddy looking Sofia and pulling her inside. "Thank fuck. Now listen, my friend here needs to learn the tricks of the trade, shall we say. We need to simulate what it will be like for him on stage. I personally don't want to play the women's part, so that's where you come in."

Sofia nodded and grinned widely. "Is he shy about being naked? Because I don't want to deal with some poor sobbing man about losing his pants..."

"He um...I think he pretty much grew up naked, shit. Country kid, you know? Anway, let's get started."

Goku just watched in confusion, large eyes pleading towards his friend. "Piccolo, who's she? And why is she smiling like that, it's scary!"

"Be a man, Goku. We're trying to help." Piccolo snapped, before sauntering over to his entertainment center and browsing through his CD collection. "We'll try displaying the action that goes into stripping, Goku. It's not something that just comes to most people. You have to be ready to throw your pride away and disgrace yourself in front of total strangers...Ah, here's a good one. Now, based on what you saw at that joint we went to, imitate what you think women would find arousing."

"...I don't get it."

Piccolo slapped hishead and pushed the play button. "Aroused...turns them on...makes them horny. Ok? Haven't you ever felt excited when you see, say, Chi-Chi in a bikini?"

"Well, not really, I mean...well, I get kinda warm in my nethers, but other than that-"

"Jesus, just try it."

The music started in with a far-away sounding beat, but quickly changed into a loud, thumping bassline. Goku nervously looked at Piccolo, then Sofia. He unflinchingly took off his clothes, but he might as well have been getting into the shower for all the eroticism he put into it. Piccolo hit the stop button and pointed at Sofia.

"You, fix it."

Sofia nodded and moved over to Goku, handing him his pants and shirt. "I felt about as randy as a blind 80 year-old. There wasn't any life there, pal. Look, women go crazy when they see a muscled body passionately ripping off it's clothes...so what you need to do is act more...well, teasingly. Don't just take off your pants for nothing! Make some horny bitch scream for it. Gyrate your hips, flex your pecs, whatever!"

"Before you ask, this is the action of 'gyrating'," Piccolo said dully, simulating the movement and holding out his hand, signalling for Goku to try. The young man repeated the move in confusion, making Sofia clap her hands.

"Not bad, but for you...I want you to smile real big the whole time, but not like a happy smile. More like a 'there's more where that came from' smile, ok? Here, like this." Sofia looked over her shoulder at Goku and let the corners of her mouth gently turn up, mouthing something while exaggerating the syllables with her tongue. Goku nodded and turned to Piccolo, face set in a determined line.

"Hit the music again, Piccolo... I think I'm ready."

-

"Now, this is going to be your biggest tool, so pay attention: When you gave a good performance, women will reward you. That's when you pull suggestively on this thing here," Piccolo said, pointing to the money band around Goku's now bare thigh, "and move to the edge of the stage/catwalk."

For the past two hours, Piccolo and Sofia had painstakingly shown Goku the do's and don'ts of exotic dancing. They had taken a few breaks, so that Goku wouldn't completely blow a brain cell. Now, however, Piccolo was summing up the session with a few tips and hints that would help his naive friend.

Piccolo sat on his couch and sighed. "I think you've had enough. You can go ahead and get back to your place now. Just think over your decision...like I said, it's not for everyone."

Goku nodded and walked over to Piccolo. The fact that he was dressed only in a man thong didn't seem to faze him, although he had complained about it being uncomfortable. Now, though he began taking it off so he could put his other garments on, when the front door suddenly opened, revealing none other than Vegeta. He blinked and looked from the g-stringed Goku to the peverted-appearing Piccolo and walked out again. Piccolo swore under his breath and raced after his friend, leaving Goku an Sofia in the room alone. Sofia had apparently fainted after Piccolo had helped Goku with pole dancing the coat rack, and hadn't come to since.

Meanwhile, Piccolo tried to explain the rather embarrassing situation with himself and Goku. "Vegeta, I swear it's not like that. I'm not a fucking fag or anything, I was just helping Goku because-"

"Help that stupid ass clown?" Vegeta bellowed, making Piccolo wince. Although Goku had no problems with the vertically challanged stripper, Vegeta himself hated everything about Goku. Everything from his carefree smile to his retarded questions in class. Piccolo suspected he really hated him because in highschool Vegeta and Goku had both tried out for starting quarterback, and Goku had won the position.

"Vegeta, just calm down. He's going to try his luck at AW on Amateur night, so he can buy...something. Just leave him alone; he's not that bad. Sure, he's a stupid dildo, but he means well."

"How can a guy who doesn't know what the word 'clit' means be a stripper?" Vegeta demanded, making Piccolo shrug.

"I guess we'll see, then, won't we? Now, stop being such a douche and come inside. Goku was just leaving anyway." Vegeta growled but obliged, following the emerald man through the door.


	8. Mann gegen Mann

This chapter is for Rogue and Catti. You guys kick ass. I don't own Dbz.

-

Goku paced nervously as Piccolo rubbed body oil on himself. The black-haired man seemed out of place in a sailor's outfit as he scratched at the crotch in obvious discomfort.

"Pic, I'm scared. I mean, what if they don't like it, and boo me?"

"Goku, I have never seen anyone get booed before. Besides, I'm going to let you in on a little secret." Piccolo twisted the lid to the oil back on and tossed it in his locker. He faced the anxious young fellow a moment later, smiling quietly. "These women are plastered. They've been partying all night, and are in the flying high stage of inebriation. Nothing phases these chicks anymore, not even a mistake on stage. You'll do fine as long as you try to do what we went over earlier. If I see things are bad, I'll bail you out. Deal?"

Goku swallowed visibly but nodded; it would appear that his skin tone almost matched that of Piccolo's. Before another word of advice or concern could be uttered, the door to the dressing room opened with a bang, revealing an angry-looking Vegeta.

"Well well, if it isn't the missing evolutionary link, Kakarot."

"Vegeta, why do you call me that? Only my father says that…" Goku mumbled, looking at the floor. Piccolo frowned and pulled on his hard hat.

"Geta, fuck off. He's nervous enough without you acting like a cunt."

"Least I've seen one, Greenbean!" Vegeta said defensively. Piccolo's brows went up in mock confusion.

"I didn't know we were counting transvestites, Veggie."

Vegeta's color changed to a dark scarlet hue as he marched up to Piccolo. "Why the fuck are you sticking up for him, anyway? The guy's a complete dip shit!"

"Vegeta, I feel like yanking out that pole up your ass and beating you with it, you cankerous STD. Why don't you be a good lad and polish your knob for a bit while we finish getting ready, hmm? Your hand isn't too tired from the past few lonely nights, I trust?"

Vegeta mumbled something that sounded like 'officious prick' and stalked off, leaving Goku and Piccolo alone once more. The emerald man sighed and closed his locked with a decisive smack, making Goku wince.

"I didn't mean to make you all fight, Piccolo. You didn't have to take up for me."

Piccolo shook his head and smiled wanly. "Ah, it's nothing. Vegeta needs to learn that he can't act like a dick and piss on people whenever he wants. It's good for him to be reprimanded. Builds character, or some equally absurd shit like that."

Piccolo made sure his tool belt was fastened securely before glancing at the clock on the wall and giving Goku a supportive smirk. "Right, time to find out if you've learned anything."

-

Hours later, Piccolo covered his eyes and thought to himself as Goku dozed on the couch near him. The green man's face was a mask of concentration as he tried to remember all that had gone on earlier. He had never expected such a turnout as the one they had had! That isn't to say he was proved wrong in his estimation of Goku's talents. On the contrary; the young man had exceeded them greatly, much to Piccolo's relief. The women had loved Goku and his innocence. Only the women had been deceived, thinking that the purity was completely feigned.

_His fingers fumbled clumsily with the buttons as the woman cheered like mad. His breathing had grown heavier, and only furthered in exciting the already horny ladies. Piccolo had become concerned that Goku would never manage to shed the clothing. It appeared that he was teasing the females, while in reality he was merely clumsy. Piccolo, coming to his classmate's aid, strode over, down to his hardhat and work pants. Goku had flung himself on the unsuspecting male. Over and over he pleaded for help, almost sobbing with hysteria. Piccolo had grabbed him roughly at the hips and hissed into his ear._

_"You wanna buy that ring soon? Get ready to make money, and don't ask questions." Piccolo then proceeded to help Goku out of his shirt, looking him intensely in the eyes as he did so. Feigning lust he licked his lips, planting small bites along Goku's jaw. He took the chance to whisper into his friend's ear, telling him not to be scared. He did in a very seductive way, however, so as not to disappoint the screaming women. Once Goku's shirt was undone, Piccolo gently tugged it off, throwing the garb behind him in the process. He wrapped a leg around Goku's stiff torso and ran a hand over the man's head, knocking the seaman's hat off as he did so (intentionally, of course). After successfully making the heart of every lady beat twice its normal rate, Piccolo pushed his mouth on top of Goku's, forcing his tongue past his clenched lips._

_Suddenly changing moods, Piccolo slapped Goku to the floor, making him skid a few feet closer to the edge (due to the slippery oil). Goku had finally caught on to Piccolo's intentions and was determined not to lose the chance to buy Chi-Chi a ring. He propped himself on his elbows and ran his tongue over his teeth, mimicking what Piccolo had taught him previously. He then let his head fall back, giving Piccolo a completely vulnerable target. Crawling towards his peer, Piccolo sidled up to Goku and allowed his muscled legs to straddle the now-willing young man. Pressing his torso to Goku's, Piccolo whispered a quick apology before running his hands over every inch of his friend. His mouth was just as busy nipping hotly at Goku's neck, pausing to suck on the racing pulse every so often. He faced Goku again, only to have the young man surprise him. Instead of being controlled completely, Goku flipped the larger man onto his back and kissed him harshly on the mouth, abusing the inside of Piccolo's mouth with his tongue. He stopped his savage exercise and moved to another point of interest: the antennae._

_Piccolo tensed as the slender appendage disappeared into the cavern of Goku's mouth. His deftly slid his tongue around the apparatus as his hands took on Piccolo's former occupation. He repeated the process several times until Piccolo gasped for air. His most sensitive (exposed) area had been delightfully abused, and he continued to pretend Goku was an extremely attractive female, and not a muscle bound man. The thought weirded even him out, but seemed to drive the crowd crazy. He winced as a something hard hit his thigh. He would later find the object to be a money clip (with several large bills inside)._

Piccolo shuddered as he calmly brought himself back to the present. The stage had never seen so much money at one time before. He forfeited his side of the profits to Goku, since it appeared enough had been made for him to complete the payment on the ring. Piccolo had made him promise never to try his hand at exotic dancing again, to which Goku readily agreed. It had been too weird for both men, and wasn't something they looked forward to trying again anytime soon.

Piccolo made sure Goku understood that went on the stage was merely an act, and should not be looked into. Goku had confessed to Piccolo that he imagined Chi-Chi in his place the entire time, and that had helped him feel better about kissing him. That isn't to say that both men didn't brush their teeth immediately afterwards.

-

The next day found Piccolo dully stirring his coffee whilst in the presence of his mother. The woman had invited her boy home to help her sort her things and move some of it to her sister's house. Piccolo only agreed because he supposed it would be a great burden off of both parent's shoulders if he did so. And being the good boy he was, Piccolo accepted the invitation.

"Piccolo, honey, don't drink anything with a spoon in it," his mother gently chastised him as he drank from his mug. The youth obediently took his mixing spoon out and placed it on his saucer. He put down his cup a moment later, staring at his mother.

"Mom, don't you think all this is a bit, well, stupid? I mean, how many times have you and Pop separated? You always end up getting back together, promising never to do it again. I've lost count, quite frankly. Is this time so much different than the last?" Piccolo's obsidian eyes locked onto his mother's hazel ones. She closed her lids and turned away from her son, surprising the young man. He had expected her to blow up at him, like she usually did when she thought he was completely wrong. This time, however, she merely sighed dejectedly and leaned her forearms on the counter, facing away from Piccolo.

"I don't expect you to understand, hon. You're very young, and you haven't seen everything in the world, despite your beliefs. Your father just doesn't seem to realize how utterly abandoned I feel when he locks himself up in his study, or argues on the telephone for hours with some management firm. When we first got married, he was so enthusiastic and fun… He always did little things for me that made me smile, like leaving a rose and a note where I would find it. They always said something like, "See you at your favorite place at seven: wear that dress I like", or "I'm tired of the house, let's go dancing". Little romantic things that were just…thoughtful."

Mrs. Damioh paused in her narration to wipe her eyes. Piccolo frowned and looked away in discomfort. He knew for a fact his parents had once loved one another. He just wished they could remember that and leave him out of the whole mess.

-

Piccolo hummed as he walked down the street of the quiet neighborhood. His eyes were practically glued to the sidewalk as his thoughts swam about his mind like minnows in a pond. He had been thinking about what his mother had said, and was concerned about his parents for the first time since he was a kid. Every other time he had been sure they would forgive each other and move on, but now… He wasn't sure what to believe anymore.

He was almost to the park he had played in as a child when he noticed a shadow hovering behind him. He turned quickly and almost ran into Julia, who looked startled.

"Who- Julia? Wait, what are you doing here?" Piccolo tried to hide his flustered attitude with a look of indifference, though he knew he must be failing horribly. Vegeta's mother looked to the side and shrugged slightly.

"I came to visit you mother, Piccolo. Don't forget we became good friends when you and Vegeta were growing up. She called me and asked me to stop by, and…" She tore her eyes away from the interesting cracks in the sidewalk and faced Piccolo. "Well, I wanted to talk with you, too. You haven't been by lately, and I just wanted to know-"

"Of course I haven't been by! What's the point of sticking around to someone who doesn't love you?" Piccolo snorted, making Julia smile quietly.

"Your mom said the same thing to me about your father. Piccolo, you are too young to experience all that." The woman brushed a stray hair from her face and looked away again. An awkward silence crept around the air like a vine, choking the pleasant weather into uncomfortable heat. Bringing her face to view Piccolo Julia continued. "Honey, it's not that I don't love you-"

"Yes, it IS!" Piccolo spat, growing impatient. "I'm just an amusement, nothing more. Well, I've decided I hate being used. So save whatever it is you wanted to say. I've got better things to do, like get AIDs." Piccolo stalked away, feeling slightly gratified. He was proud that he still had some self-respect, and that even an attractive woman couldn't make him lose that precious shred.

-

Yes, the story isn't all porn. It does have a little plot to it, for those looking for more than a thrill…-couchROGUEcough- I hope you enjoyed the chappie. Candace, please don't hit me. I only did the male on male scene because I listened to Mann gegen Mann right before I wrote this…what can I say? Rammstein inspires me!


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